"do you like hard-hairy-wet-white-crunchers?" he asked. "coconuts?" i guessed. "i named them first," said professor steg. he picked up a coconut from a basket and ate it, shell and all, just as you or i might crunch toast.
*
"those are diamonds. and sapphires. and rubies." "actually," he said, "i call them special-shiny-clear-stones, special-shiny-bluey-stones, and, um—" "special-shiny-red-stones?" i suggested. "indeed," he said. "i called them that when i was inventing my really good moves around in time machine, one hundred and fifty million years ago."
*
"you have your milk," he said. "where there is milk, there is hope."
*
"it is our temple. we had a very bad harvest last year and we had just asked the gods to send us a sacrifice, to make sure that this year’s harvest is better, when you floated down in that thing, with your monster." "thank you, by the way," said a little thin man. "i was going to be the sacrifice if no one else turned up. much obliged." "so now we will sacrifice you and your monster." "but my children are waiting for their breakfast," i said. "look!" i held up the milk. "why did they all just fall to their knees?" asked professor steg. "is this usual hairless mammal behavior? perhaps i should hold up some hard-hairy-wet-white-crunchers and see what happens." "coconuts!" i told him. "they are called coconuts!" "what is that you are holding?" the fat man asked. "milk," i said. "MILK! " they exclaimed, and they prostrated themselves on the ground. "we have a prophecy, " said the fat man, "that when a man and a spiny-backed monster descend from the skies on a round floaty thing—" "floaty-ball-person-carrier, " said the little thin man. "yes. one of those. we were told that when that happened, if the man held up milk then we were not to sacrifice them, but we were meant to take them to the volcano, and give them, as a present, the green jewel that is the eye of splod. " "splod? " "he is the god of people with short, funny names."
*
"ve are wumpires," they said. "vot is this? who are you? answer us, or ve vill wiwisect you."
*
"how does a volcano know so much about transtemporal meta-science?" asked one of the pale green aliens. "being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think," said splod. "also, i subscribe to a number of learned journals."
*
"you have committed crimes against the inhabitants of eighteen planets, and crimes against good taste."
